Previously in The Murder of Ted…
Week two brought more hives, a mountain of medications, and one very determined cockroach. Mama Bear had taken command, but Ted wasn’t giving up without a fight.
This week: The evidence is in, the lab results are back from Greece, and it’s time to find out what can actually take Ted down.
Thank you for joining me on this unexpected, uncozy adventure.
The Murder of Ted
A Series of Unfortunate Events, an Uncozy Adventure
Chapter Ten: The Big Reveal
Every good sleuth wants to know all the answers, but sometimes going to headquarters when you’re an amateur can be intimidating.
But before we get to the big reveal, there was one little problem we needed to deal with.
Remember that sinus infection that had been bugging me throughout this entire journey?
Yeah. The one where I had a little chat with my body and told them united was the only way to defeat Ted? Well, they didn’t get the message.
I didn’t mention it in the last chapter because, frankly, the last chapter was already long. I didn’t want to bore you.
So, prepare to be bored while we talk nose stuff.
That sinus infection never went away.
Despite all the antibiotics and medications I had been taking, it just kept getting worse. If you remember, during my PET scan, its SUV activity had been almost as high as the cancer.
With chemotherapy on the horizon, I was beginning to get nervous. What was it going to do to my face?
Sleeping upright had become incredibly uncomfortable, and it certainly wasn’t restful. My delicate nasal passageways were shaking in their boots, wondering exactly what was going to happen when chemotherapy entered the picture. They should have listened to me earlier.
But never fear. LW came to the rescue.
Is there nothing this guy can’t do?
He quickly ordered an OG nebulizer treatment, and within the first weekend of treatment, I was breathing out of both sides of my nose.
Something I hadn’t been able to do in the last fifteen years, even after a sinus surgery!
That felt like a hint of magic, and that was a huge win for Team Glitter.
Now back to “The Rest of the Story”
I met with LW to go over the Greek test blood results.
Today was the day we would find out what would actually kill Ted and what would only temporarily disable him.
LW explained that Ted was immune to most treatments. In his typical fashion, he had preplanned his attack on me almost perfectly.
He had been training for this takeover for years, mastering the art of adaptability. He was a multidrug-resistant, high-risk cancer. His kill rates were alarming. Ted was a serial killer who had mastered manipulation. He was using my DNA against me.
LW had shipped my blood, with Ted’s minions in it, to a lab in Greece. There, they fed his minions and nurtured them until they grew to 1,000 in number for each vial. Then they viciously added killing agents, looking for his kryptonite.
Ted proved to be superior to most of them.
As I flipped through the 50-page intel document on Ted, everything was in red. Nothing killed this guy. He had a backup plan or an escape route for everything.
I looked at LW. “Nothing in the results… Well, almost nothing killed him.”
LW explained the dark side of this intel: if the kill rate was under a minimum of 75%, it couldn’t be used. He preferred 85% and above. Ted showed nothing above an 82%. There were only three vials where his adaptability mostly failed him. But even those only killed 79–81% of his minions. All of the other were abysmal at 50% or below. We didn’t have a lot of chances.
Those three were the chemotherapy treatments we could use.
LW told me not to worry. He had more tricks up his sleeve. We were still going to stop Ted.
I was shocked and excited at the same time, if that’s even possible. I also got the feeling that LW hadn’t met someone quite as entertaining as me before.
He would smile every so often at my Ted jokes. LW said, “Ted is a real shady guy, but we have another problem, and he is using it against you.”
Like the subtitle says, A Series of Unfortunate Events…
Another unfortunate event happened.
We discovered a problem with my genes. The cells designed to take out the trash were broken.
There are nine pairs of DNA that tell your body to remove toxins and such, but five of mine were broken.
LW said I had the worst mix of broken DNA you could ask for in this.
Basically, I had a bunch of freeloading couch potatoes refusing to do their job.
My garbage collectors were on strike.
My body was becoming a trash heap, and Ted was using that to his advantage.
Lurking around every dumpster were Ted’s minions, watching and waiting to set up a new camp, all the while the couch potatoes sat binge-watching Friends episodes and neglecting their one job.
LW said not to worry. He had ways to motivate them to move.
I would need a set of supplements that convinced those freeloaders to get up and do what they were designed to do.
Think carrot dangling in front of the donkey. It would be forever.
LW was surprised at how well I had adapted to the DNA disaster.
So, I am as highly adaptable as Ted is!
Take that, Ted!
LW also dropped another bomb of bad news. One I had read about but hoped would never happen.
Ted would erupt like Mount Vesuvius, and it was only a matter of time.
All that growing, stretching, and hurting, the mercenaries had picked up seismic activity.
He was about to wipe out my entire left breast. I feared what I would look like when this was all over. I don’t even think Picasso deserves this kind of bashing.
To help slow the eruption, LW gave me DMSO, Castor Oil, and Frankincense to rub on Ted.
Like the jerk needs a massage.
I don’t even get a massage.
But anything to keep Ted contained, I would do.
A new fear crept in. With Ted ready to erupt, every pinch, every cool sensation, every rumble had me checking to see if the bloodbath had begun.
The hours kept getting darker. But as this journey has had all along, there was glitter.
The chemo the State Agency would have given me, almost all of the five types, would not have affected Ted. It only would have destroyed me. The test showed they were using all the wrong chemo for my Ted. One even had a 0% effectiveness rate.
Ted would have laughed in its face.
At least LW’s mercenaries knew the correct weapon of choice, and for that I was thankful.
LW wanted me to start immediately. By the end of the week, I met my chemo team.
Freya, the general in charge of the Chemical Warfare Department, was kind, but firm.
She commanded her team, and she expected her patients to follow orders. She was not messing around. She was there to win.
Ted will be sorry when he finally meets her.
Her team was the frontline in this battle. Freya and her team of Valkyries were on the ready.
They would come directly head-to-head with Ted and his minions, and in every battle, the infantry takes the most hits. That was exactly where we were with chemotherapy. It was like carpet bombing my whole body and hoping enough of us survived.
A tear rolled down my cheek. My team had been training. We had been fighting so hard.
I was so emotional, so nervous. I feared the chemo more than anything else. Would I even survive, or would Ted get his way?
Ted had mastered repealing chemical warfare. Another one of those tips from the intel. He and his minions had prepared for this type of attack. They had built in special pumps that would take in the drugs and spit them right back at me.
It felt wrong to let so many of my infantry die. I knew it was the only way.
The only way to catch Ted.
Freya was kind. She told me not to worry. Her team’s delivery method was safer, with far fewer of my men dying. She and her team would be with me every step of the way, watching and monitoring how the ground team was taking the hits.
They would trick Ted and his gang by sneaking sugar into the chemo. But that didn’t mean things would be easy for me. They dropped my blood sugar to 42, causing Ted and his team to panic, and pushed BB to the edge with the poison that would unleash widespread destruction. Vial after vial of meds BB handled for me. He burned with pain, but he stood strong, keeping my veins safe.
But Ted?
He didn’t stand a chance. They rained terror down on him.
My body replied with the mouth sores, chemo belly, and fatigue that usually came with this type of chemical warfare.
As sad as I was, I finally felt like Ted was going to get what was coming to him.
Up until now, it had felt like an overdramatic sword fight with an occasional stab.
Now the chemical warfare had started, and I hoped Ted couldn’t outrun it.
Stay tuned for the next episode of Chapter Eleven: The Ted Naming Epidemic
Ready for a Cozier Mystery?
If you’re enjoying The Murder of Ted, you might be wondering where all this talk of clues, suspects, investigations, and murder came from.
Well… I write cozy mysteries. 😉
My Taryn O’Kelly Mysteries are where I get to put all that detective energy to much better use. Taryn is a reluctant amateur sleuth who has a talent for finding trouble, stumbling across dead bodies, and asking questions that people probably wouldn’t.
There are suspects, secrets, twists, humor, and, of course, a little fluffy murder along the way.
If you haven’t met Taryn yet, start with Party Planning for Murder, the first book in the series.
And if you’re already a Taryn fan, thank you for coming along for both adventures, the fictional murders and my very real battle with Ted.
Because when life gets uncozy, sometimes you need a little cozy murder to balance things out.
Until next time, keep sleuthing, keep laughing, and whatever you do… don’t follow the clues into trouble.
And don’t forget, the antidote to the uncozy is a cozy mystery.
Until next chapter…
Happy reading.
As always, thanks for stopping by for some Salty Inspirations! -Michelle ❤️
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