Previously on The Murder of Ted…
My little cancer-naming idea caught on, new friends joined the fight, and while Fred, Ed, and Joy were getting their marching orders, Ted was busy taking his toll.
This week: Ted strikes where it hurts, an eight-legged henchman launches an attack, and my battle against cancer takes an unexpected trip into outer space.
Thank you for joining me on this unexpected, uncozy adventure.
The Murder of Ted
A Series of Unfortunate Events, an Uncozy Adventure
Chapter Twelve: Is This a Sci-Fi?
Every Sleuth or Adventurer has something that makes them vulnerable, something that is difficult to overcome.
For me, it’s bugs; it’s always been bugs, and I have yet to overcome them. Remember the bug incident back in Chapter 9?
I don’t know about you, but I think bugs are creepy. They look evil. They look like they came from a foreign planet and give me the heebie-jeebies.
Apparently, Ted knows it. I should have known he has been stalking me for some time now.
On my way home from treatment this week, one of those creepy little creatures decided to come after me while I was in the car.
I was riding home in the passenger seat, completely exhausted and probably a little delusional after spending the entire day slaying Ted. All I wanted to do was get home.
A large spider dropped out from the sun visor. He was coming at me faster than a skydiver who hadn’t opened his parachute.
I squealed. Actually, squealed might be putting it mildly.
“MOM, PULL OVER,” I yelled!
Okay, maybe I didn’t actually yell those exact words, but that was definitely the general idea.
My poor mother had to activate Mama Bear Mode all over again. She’s not a fan of bugs either, mind you.
She swiftly navigated the car into a parking area while I scrambled to get out before the car had completely rolled to a stop. Mom attempted to dispatch the evil intruder, but she could not confirm or deny whether she had actually gotten the body.
Which, of course, meant one thing. The spider was still at large.
I stood outside on the sidewalk hyperventilating and trying not to throw up. It took every last bit of energy I had to climb back into the car, but I wasn’t sitting normally. Oh no. I proceeded to sit up on the seat with my feet pulled up, basically squatting in the passenger seat for the rest of the ride.
My eyes darted around the entire time, waiting for that little jerk to peek his creepy head back out at me.
Somehow, that spider never appeared, and we successfully made it home. I regret to inform you that little stunt gave Ted energy and took some from me.
That fight-or-flight response may have only lasted a few moments, but my body didn’t seem to care. It had already been through a full day of treatment, and then it got a sudden jolt of pure terror from that eight-legged intruder.
One more Ted strike. He’s learning where it really hurts.
You can take away my bread. You can make me eat meat. You can change my entire routine. But I cannot deal with the bugs.
Ted wasn’t finished getting creative.
I wasn’t planning on adding science fiction to this story.
But why not?
Ted had officially been upgraded to an intergalactic villain.
Before you join me on my next mission, I probably should explain what my spaceship actually looks like and why it’s now a space mission.
The hyperbaric chamber looks like something between a submarine capsule and a tiny spaceship. It’s dark navy blue, with three portholes, one on the top and two on the sides.
I like to imagine I’m either heading to the bottom of the ocean or blasting off into space when I climb inside one of these things. It makes it more fun.
My technician had already become part of the adventure.
She told me I was the sparkle to her day, and she couldn’t wait to hear what stories I had come up with this time. I had become a source of entertainment during my treatments, and I’m perfectly happy to accept that assignment.
She explained that the only way we could communicate once I was inside was through a walkie-talkie. If I needed anything, it would take about ten minutes to release the pressure before I could actually come out.
She was just about to close the door when I stopped her.
“Wait a minute. We need to do a radio check.”
She smiled, stepped out of the room, and said into the radio, “Radio check.”
Naturally, I replied, “Roger, Roger. Ten-four, good buddy.”
She came back into the room laughing.
I had one more suggestion. “They really need to put pictures of Nemo on the portholes. Give us something to look at!” Because if I’m going to spend an hour and a half inside a dark navy-blue capsule, I should at least get some underwater scenery.
Instead, I had three portholes and a very active imagination. Today was mission space! So, with communications checked and Space Command standing by, it was time for takeoff.
Mission Log: Hyperbaric Chamber 2026
Mission: Fight Ted.
Location: The outermost rim of space.
Threat level: High Risk.
I was taking a one-and-a-half-hour flight into outer space. I had been warned there could be an asteroid attack, but I was equipped and ready.
I climbed into my spaceship, and we checked communications with Space Command.
Everything looked good.
I hunkered down for what I expected to be a long nap, and naturally, my mind started going wild with all the wonderful ways we were going to defeat Ted. I imagined tiny little pillows being stuffed across his ugly little face. I smiled at those thoughts and settled in for some sleep.
I know I’m getting a little morbid, but when you’re fighting something evil, how can you not think about how wonderful it will be when it’s finally dead?
Suddenly, I was jolted from my sleep. I looked around. My eyes adjusted. Beams of light poured through the tiny porthole, illuminating a small circle in the middle of my pod. I peered out the window.
I adjusted my mask and went back to sleep. A second time, I was jolted awake. This time, my heart was racing. My body was buzzing. My fingers were tingling, and I had a headache.
I sat up and looked around. Everything appeared to be normal. Feeling slightly panicked, I did a complete body-system check, mentally going over everything I was feeling and trying to compartmentalize what was fiction and what was real.
That’s a real problem for authors, by the way. We spend a lot of time in our fictional worlds. Sometimes reality becomes a little fuzzy.
I sat there thinking about what was happening and told myself this was definitely a mental game. Everything was fine. I was not going to die in my spaceship.
After a little more checking in with myself, I realized I was experiencing a very mild level of oxygen toxicity coupled with an overactive imagination and a healthy dose of psychological stress.
In other words, my brain had decided to turn a perfectly normal situation into another Ted adventure, but in the worst way. Once again, I gave my body a little mental timeout and reminded it whose team we needed to be on.
Team Michelle.
Just as I finished my wonderful pep talk with myself, the oxygen mask connection popped loose.
Now, before you panic, I had been warned about this. My technician had told me the oxygen-mask hookup had been acting up. Maintenance had worked on it, but there was still a chance it could randomly pop loose. I guess when it does, it makes a loud noise and shoots off like a little rocket.
I had been warned, so it didn’t completely startle me. I was still in imagination mode. Asteroid strike, I thought, and smiled. We had been hit. I quickly reattached the mask.
About fifteen minutes later, I got a call through the radio. It was time to come back to Earth or reality, whichever you prefer.
My technician asked, “How are you doing in there?”
Naturally, I replied, “We hit an asteroid, but I was able to patch us up, so everything is good to go. See you on the other side.”
A chuckle came through the radio.
When she opened the door, she looked at me and said, “Your adventures make me laugh.”
That was the mission’s real success. I may not have actually traveled to the bottom of the ocean or to the outer rim of space. But for an hour and a half, I got to escape into my imagination.
Maybe that’s one of the things that gets me through all of this. When a spider attacks, it becomes an evil henchman. When an oxygen mask pops loose, it becomes an asteroid strike.
And when I’m trapped inside a dark blue submarine-looking capsule, I can pretend I’m traveling to the bottom of the ocean or blasting off into space.
Ted may be fighting dirty. But I’m bringing imagination, humor, and a little bit of sparkle to the battle.
That’s how I keep going. One adventure at a time, with a side of glitter.
Stay tuned for the next episode of Chapter 13: An Unlucky Turn Towards Darker Times
Need a Little Escape From Ted?
Sometimes you need to step away from the real-life mystery for a while and dive into one where the biggest problem is figuring out who did it.
That’s where my Taryn O’Kelly Mysteries come in.
Taryn has enough trouble of her own—dead bodies, suspicious characters, small-town secrets, and a knack for finding herself in the middle of things she probably should stay out of.
If you’re looking for a cozy escape between chapters of The Murder of Ted, you can meet Taryn in Party Planning for Murder, the first book in the series. Sometimes the best way to take a break from one mystery is to jump into another.
Just make sure it’s fictional. 😉
And don’t forget, the antidote to the uncozy is a cozy mystery.
Until next chapter…
Happy reading.
As always, thanks for stopping by for some Salty Inspirations! -Michelle ❤️
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